Wrap Dress & 11 Questions

So you guys know me pretty well, right? You know I love to wear black but have recently been trying to work more colors (mostly yellow) into my wardrobe. You know I have a love/hate relationship with fringe. You more than likely know I have a weird taste in music, love cuddling with my rescue pup, and am on medication to treat my mental illness. However, I haven't been very open lately because I don't know where to begin. (Shrug emoji.) Sometimes life gets to be a little too much, you know? When Hal tagged me to answer 11 questions about myself, I kinda shrugged it off because I feel like I talk about myself enough already. However, once I read through the questions, I thought that answering them could be a fun challenge! So here's my outfit, ft. 11 interesting questions, answered. 

After the Dust has Settled

It's been a while since I've shared a journal-like post on here. Honestly, last time I spilled my heart out, I got a lot of negativity back so it kind of frightened me away from being open and honest for a bit.

In the beginning of 2016, I set a list of goals for myself. I achieved some of them but lost myself in the process. That year started strong. I had just gotten married, I had just gotten a fantastic promotion at work, and I was generally content. Then, somewhere in the middle of January, something happened that threw everything into flux. I quit my job, I lost my mind, and I almost drank myself to death. Funny how one seemingly insignificant moment can change the trajectory of your entire life, sort of undoing everything you'd worked hard for. Before last January, my mood disorder had been palpable but the shifting between depression, slight discontent, slight content, and euphoria only felt like minor tremors. Enough to throw me off but not enough to shake me. I'd liken January's event to more of a quake-- or whatever is bigger than that. It rattled me to the core and the aftershocks are still being felt over a year later. 

2016: A Few of My Favorites

My favorite thing about blogging is having a (very casual) body of work to look back on. Every once in a while, I find myself digging through my archives and watching myself grow physically, mentally, spiritually, and, of course, as a sartorial enthusiast. I've been doing this blog for almost five years. Five formative years. Over the course of this blog thus far, I've traveled to six different countries, moved, grown out my bangs, went through a horrible breakup, moved again, landed my dream job, quit my dream job when I realized it wasn't for me, been diagnosed with a mental illness, put almost 100,000 miles on my poor Mercury Mariner, gotten married to my best friend, adopted the most adorable and lovable boxer/hound mix, gone sober, helped start a tech company, moved again, and started writing a book. I've typed up thoughts and musings in both laughter and tears. (Emphasis on tears.) But we'll save the sappiness for my official blogiversary in March.

For now, I wanted to share some of my favorite looks from 2016. Though it's been difficult to scrap together any sort "goodness" from this past year, I must say that the hardships have forced me to take stock of who I am. That theme of getting to know myself definitively has absolutely shown through my clothing choices, specifically in the latter half of the year.

Words from Others

I know there's still time left for 2016 to redeem itself but I doubt a few short weeks of goodness could reconcile the last eleven and a half months of abject torment so I'm just going to say it: this year has been the absolute worst for the best of us and I cannot wait to see it go. I've been on the receiving end of some pretty devious scheming and I've done some things I'm not proud of. I've been a victim of mean girls and I've been a mean girl myself. These last few months especially have been a period of mourning and rebirth. 

I'm not completely happy with myself. I'm definitely a work in progress and am still making mistakes every day. However, I'm not going to go on and on about it as I'm wont to do. I've been surrounding myself with quotes that challenge me to be the person I'm working towards becoming. Knowing I surely can't be alone in this journey, I decided to take a break from the usual things I write about to share some with you. (For positivity's sake.)

Mean Girls

I'll never forget the first time I was bullied. I had always been a bit of a loner. I wasn't interested in whatever the other girls were into so I hung out with the boys. We would play street hockey, jump on the trampoline, and skateboard around the cul-de-sac for hours. I had even started a zine with one of my guy friends. It was a pretty sweet setup I had for a while, until we all got to the age at which girls and boys start becoming "interested" in each other. Swiftly, my sweet little world fell apart. 

I was sitting in the hallway with one of my buds when a girl, who probably had some sort of crush on him, spilled a water bottle on my crotch area and told everybody I peed my pants. I was in fifth grade.  Looking back, it's kind of hilarious, but in the moment, it was horrifying. I was somewhat friendly with this girl and felt betrayed. I was shocked, heartbroken, and confused. I was inconsolable for the better part of the afternoon and can remember hiding out in the library with my lucky rabbit's foot and a copy of Where the Sidewalk Ends. That was the day I asked my parents to homeschool me for the first time. I got through it by telling myself that the feeling wouldn't be forever. That I couldn't wait to get older so I wouldn't have to feel this way anymore. Fast forward about fifteen years. Not much as changed.

On Anger, Hurt, and Vulnerability

They say it's an inevitability: that life goes fast and nothing will stay the same for long. That doesn't make change any easier, especially when everything changes at once. Especially when it happens over the course of a week. The home you knew for years becomes a distant memory. A best friend becomes an enemy. Your name and your reputation are slandered and you begin looking for a new city in which to live. A chance to start over. A chance to be free of those who will hurt you. Last year, 2015, was the year of getting to know myself. I went through some dark periods but they made me stronger. This year, 2016, will be known to me as the year I had to come to terms with my illness. The year that almost broke me. 

Negativity, Toxicity, And Other Things You Just Don't Need

A lot of you have asked for more "personal" posts, so you're getting them! Since I'm turning 25 next week, I've spent the past month or so taking stock and thinking about all of the things I want (nay, NEED) to change in this next year. Identifying toxic people and cutting them out of my life was at the top of that list.

I don't know if it's because of my mental illness or just the fact that I'm naturally vulnerable and a little insecure but I've always been flypaper for generally manipulative people. Of course, I've never thought that on my own-- it's something my mom always has to remind me. I will admit though, I have quite a penchant for unhealthy relationships and tend to not notice their malignancy until it's too late. Because of the nature of that all, I've never had a real amicable parting of ways. Friendships often end in a brilliant display of poorly chosen words. Now that I'm older and a little more self-aware, I've been studying the people around me and wondering to myself, does this person build me up? That simple question has revealed some pretty shocking truths. Letting go of somebody you've come to know and love is a painful thing to do, no matter how toxic the relationship may be. If you suspect something in a friendship or romantic relationship may be slightly off, here are some important questions to ask.

PLAYLIST: Beautiful As Days Can Be

For the past few years, I've shared an autumn playlist on the blog. (Here's last year's if you're curious.) I'm completely aware that it's not fall just yet but I figured that I might as well get you in the spirit since, before you know it, we'll all be in a pumpkin patch, sipping Salted Caramel Mochas. (The far superior autumnal beverage.) 

This is What it's Like

If you're looking for some light-hearted banter, you might want to stop reading because I'm about to get painfully honest about my mental state. I haven't shared personal thoughts on here in quite some time. It's not that I haven't wanted to, I just haven't really had too much time to be alone with my thoughts. Well, that's not completely true. I've had plenty of time but I've avoided tapping into the inner workings of my mind quite purposefully. In my life, I've been sad. I've been depressed. I've been despondent. That's absolutely nothing compared to the thick fog I've been fighting my way out of for months. Nothing has compelled me to share because nothing has compelled to feel. I think it's some kind of coping mechanism, or a plan of self-preservation devised by my mentally ill mind. I'm ready to open up though, but admittedly, it's a little on the hopeless side.

XXX

I've started typing then deleted this post about five or six times. I put it away and came back to it about a week later. I didn't know how to talk about it without coming across as some sort of pontifical brat. I'll just put it simply: I gave up drinking, and no mom, it's not because I'm pregnant. 

Lately

At the beginning of this year, I knew I'd have to make some radical changes. Last year was one filled with trials, lots of tears, and worst of all, a prevailing attitude of complacency.  I remember saying on January 1st, "2015 is my year!" I was right, in a sense. It was "my year" to be beaten senseless by my own irrationality. My year to embrace my own mortality. (Three funerals in six months will make you do that.) My year to lose out on sleep, opportunities and precious family time because of my career. It was a rough one. I started out this year with the same ill attitude until I snapped. Didn't take long. Maybe the second week in January? I quit my job, did some serious soul searching, and honestly, I've been better than I've been in a very long time. I've been sort of absent from this blog so I figured I'd take some time to tell you all what's been going on in my life since then.

Portraits, Observations, Advice

I wanted to share some photos that I took with Ashley Jensen, a local photographer. When I got them back, I realized how little I truly know about myself. I love taking other people's portraits and take them so intentionally that they tell a story. Ashley is a fantastic photographer and her captures without a doubt tell some kind of story-- mine just got lost on me. I'd be lying if I said I've been having a "great time." My life is falling apart in a way. But in an even bigger way, good things need to fall apart so better things can come together. I've been viewing myself through shattered glass so to see myself put together was like seeing a wide-eyed stranger. It got me thinking about who I am. What I'm about. And how I got here. It was (mostly) nice to meet me, make some candid observations, and share some advice.

Coffee with Friends

Slowly but surely posting all of the photos from the wedding and trip, including these we took before even heading to the airport. Violet and I have been online friends since I was 16. Flickr and our love of Eisley and Blythe Dolls brought us together. She and her husband Grant only had a short time in Philly so we maximized their time with us by bringing them to our favorite coffee joint. We had breakfast, fancy lattes, and good conversation. Grant snapped some candids. (And some not-so-candids.)

Hello, 2016

THANK. GOODNESS. There are only a few hours left in 2015 and I couldn't possibly be more stoked about that. I recall saying I had "a good feeling" about this past year before it even began. Boy, was I wrong. It wasn't horrible (actually, yeah it kinda was.) but in 2016, I can do better. I'm stepping up my goal game. It's time to get real.

2015: A Postmortem

What good are goals if we don't revisit them to see how we measure up once in a while? I make a list every year, take my objectives to heart, then intentionally don't look at the list again until the end of the year. After taking a look at my list from last year, I thought long and hard about how I did. I did overwhelmingly "okay."

Oh, My Love

The One Whom My Soul Loves

24.

A few years ago, when I turned 21, I decided to write a letter to my 16-year-old self. The fact that it exists on the internet makes me cringe... so I don't know why I'm bringing up up again. (But who doesn't love some self-deprecating humor... if that's what this could even be called?) When I wrote it, I felt like 16-year-old me could learn a lot from almost-21-year-old me. Now, it feels like the other way around. The past three years have gone by so quickly and have been so tumultuous.. I figured it was only best to write a little follow-up.

Death, Where is Your Sting?

A simple derailment in a breakfast conversation changed the course of my Monday. My Tuesday. My Wednesday. My week. My month, maybe (probably) more? Growing up is hard. We've discussed this. I've parted ways with just about everybody I've ever known. It's rarely been amicable, but for those cherished souls who sort of flickered faded away without some violent fanfare, they're tucked away into an everlasting corner of my heart. We're living in different cities, time zones, coasts, counties. We rarely speak. Not for any specific reason other than the fact that we just don't. We go on with our lives. We chase our dreams, we try to make our way in the world without ending up loathing ourselves entirely, and someday, we will die. Some pass on sooner than others. When it happens, it's tragic. It's inevitable. But that doesn't make it any better. 

#SUMMERGOALS

So... it's almost August, folks. I've spent the bulk of this summer living between houses/out of my car and wishing away the humidity. Now that July is halfway over, I think I should stop complaining and appreciate the once-in-a-year dreamlike event that is "SUMMER." Alright, let's be real for a second here though. I've never been one of those girls who can't wait to hit the beach with her "biddies" for some tan time. There is nary a "hot dogs or legs" photo to be found on any of my social media platforms and wine coolers are just plain nasty. Pools are also kind of gross. It's like taking a slightly refreshing chemical bath. No thank you. There are some summer joys I can indulge in though: my once-yearly pre-sunrise trek to the beach to watch the pink and gold light peek over the horizon. Going to restaurants and enjoying dinner outside on the sidewalk or, even better, on the patio or garden. Crop tops. (So. Many. Crop tops.) Iced Americanos, Bomb Pops, and driving with the windows down. Philly's Spruce Street Harbor Park. These little things make summer bearable and the humidity kind of worth it. I'm trying to enjoy it more though, which is why I've thought of a few things to try before my beloved autumn arrives.