After the Dust has Settled

It's been a while since I've shared a journal-like post on here. Honestly, last time I spilled my heart out, I got a lot of negativity back so it kind of frightened me away from being open and honest for a bit.

In the beginning of 2016, I set a list of goals for myself. I achieved some of them but lost myself in the process. That year started strong. I had just gotten married, I had just gotten a fantastic promotion at work, and I was generally content. Then, somewhere in the middle of January, something happened that threw everything into flux. I quit my job, I lost my mind, and I almost drank myself to death. Funny how one seemingly insignificant moment can change the trajectory of your entire life, sort of undoing everything you'd worked hard for. Before last January, my mood disorder had been palpable but the shifting between depression, slight discontent, slight content, and euphoria only felt like minor tremors. Enough to throw me off but not enough to shake me. I'd liken January's event to more of a quake-- or whatever is bigger than that. It rattled me to the core and the aftershocks are still being felt over a year later. 

Mean Girls

I'll never forget the first time I was bullied. I had always been a bit of a loner. I wasn't interested in whatever the other girls were into so I hung out with the boys. We would play street hockey, jump on the trampoline, and skateboard around the cul-de-sac for hours. I had even started a zine with one of my guy friends. It was a pretty sweet setup I had for a while, until we all got to the age at which girls and boys start becoming "interested" in each other. Swiftly, my sweet little world fell apart. 

I was sitting in the hallway with one of my buds when a girl, who probably had some sort of crush on him, spilled a water bottle on my crotch area and told everybody I peed my pants. I was in fifth grade.  Looking back, it's kind of hilarious, but in the moment, it was horrifying. I was somewhat friendly with this girl and felt betrayed. I was shocked, heartbroken, and confused. I was inconsolable for the better part of the afternoon and can remember hiding out in the library with my lucky rabbit's foot and a copy of Where the Sidewalk Ends. That was the day I asked my parents to homeschool me for the first time. I got through it by telling myself that the feeling wouldn't be forever. That I couldn't wait to get older so I wouldn't have to feel this way anymore. Fast forward about fifteen years. Not much as changed.

On Anger, Hurt, and Vulnerability

They say it's an inevitability: that life goes fast and nothing will stay the same for long. That doesn't make change any easier, especially when everything changes at once. Especially when it happens over the course of a week. The home you knew for years becomes a distant memory. A best friend becomes an enemy. Your name and your reputation are slandered and you begin looking for a new city in which to live. A chance to start over. A chance to be free of those who will hurt you. Last year, 2015, was the year of getting to know myself. I went through some dark periods but they made me stronger. This year, 2016, will be known to me as the year I had to come to terms with my illness. The year that almost broke me. 

Negativity, Toxicity, And Other Things You Just Don't Need

A lot of you have asked for more "personal" posts, so you're getting them! Since I'm turning 25 next week, I've spent the past month or so taking stock and thinking about all of the things I want (nay, NEED) to change in this next year. Identifying toxic people and cutting them out of my life was at the top of that list.

I don't know if it's because of my mental illness or just the fact that I'm naturally vulnerable and a little insecure but I've always been flypaper for generally manipulative people. Of course, I've never thought that on my own-- it's something my mom always has to remind me. I will admit though, I have quite a penchant for unhealthy relationships and tend to not notice their malignancy until it's too late. Because of the nature of that all, I've never had a real amicable parting of ways. Friendships often end in a brilliant display of poorly chosen words. Now that I'm older and a little more self-aware, I've been studying the people around me and wondering to myself, does this person build me up? That simple question has revealed some pretty shocking truths. Letting go of somebody you've come to know and love is a painful thing to do, no matter how toxic the relationship may be. If you suspect something in a friendship or romantic relationship may be slightly off, here are some important questions to ask.