XXX

I've started typing then deleted this post about five or six times. I put it away and came back to it about a week later. I didn't know how to talk about it without coming across as some sort of pontifical brat. I'll just put it simply: I gave up drinking, and no mom, it's not because I'm pregnant. 

It wasn't a horribly difficult decision to make and its implementation has been a lot easier than I thought it would be. I just have to stay away from temptation, which is easy since I don't get out much and when I do, it's usually for some sort of event and I keep a seltzer with lime in my hand at all times. (You know, to keep people from handing me drinks.) I never felt dependent on alcohol per se but I did absolutely use it as a security blanket at times. You know, sometimes you drink a bit over your limit so you'll have the courage to say something you would never say otherwise-- then if it doesn't go well, you have the excuse "I was tipsy!" to fall back on. There have certainly been times when I drank far too much, and ended up feeling despondent the next day. I'm glad I don't have to worry about that anymore. I'm also really glad that I never have to pretend that I enjoy the taste of whiskey ever again because yeah, it's really gross. I finally admitted it.

More than anything though, I like being in control of myself. I have a few (okay... a LOT of) control-freak tendencies and I'm at a point in my life where control is a luxury I cannot afford. It's terrifying at times-- even crippling. I have this natural desire to control something so putting that energy into keeping myself away from substances that could easily control me is a necessity. It feels weird to use the word sober because I never really thought that I had a problem but I feel so free now that I gotta ask myself if I did.


Like all other decisions we make in this life, there are of course people who want to see us fail. This has happened about three or four times already. It sounds kind of juvenile and played-out but don't be jealous I can have a good time without drinking. In the end, I made this decision for myself and for my mental health.

I feel good. My skin feels good. Life is still an uphill battle from here but I have one less obstacle in my way. Like all other things, if you wanna chat about this, let's do it.

Oh, and if you're interested in rocking a "Sad Girl Straight Edge" shirt like the one I'm wearing here, let me know. I made this one for myself but quite a few people have asked about getting one!

xo,
e.m.


**Photos by Danielle Conyers. Follow her on Instagram!