Portraits, Observations, Advice

I wanted to share some photos that I took with Ashley Jensen, a local photographer. When I got them back, I realized how little I truly know about myself. I love taking other people's portraits and take them so intentionally that they tell a story. Ashley is a fantastic photographer and her captures without a doubt tell some kind of story-- mine just got lost on me. I'd be lying if I said I've been having a "great time." My life is falling apart in a way. But in an even bigger way, good things need to fall apart so better things can come together. I've been viewing myself through shattered glass so to see myself put together was like seeing a wide-eyed stranger. It got me thinking about who I am. What I'm about. And how I got here. It was (mostly) nice to meet me, make some candid observations, and share some advice.

A Moment of Honesty: Anxiety & Depression

I've struggled with anxiety and inexplicable bouts of sadness for a large part of my life. There have been clearly defined peaks and valleys brought on by little or no provocation. It's been maddening and yet I've also found great joy in the chaos and instability. Some may dismiss it as simply one's "artistic sensibilities." Some might say that it requires immediate medical attention. Some will try to label it; I'm sure there's a name for it out there somewhere. It's tiring trying to find all of the answers so a long time ago, I chose to reject all of the excuses, the medical jargon, and the medication and set out to find the cure for myself. I'm 22 and although I've learned a lot, I have more questions than answers. However, if there's anything that I've learned in this past year it's that one of the best panaceas for the torn and tattered soul is to be open and honest. As humans, we're sort of "gifts" to each other. Why should we do life alone when we can carry each other's burdens? Above all else, life is too short to be sad. And yet... we still are. 

I'm not sure if it's because we're all becoming more transparent with each other here on the internet, but it really seems as if anxiety is a huge problem lately. Of course, it's always been, but I don't remember everybody talking about it so openly. In a way, it's good that we're talking about it. It's in our nature to find solace in the fact that we are not alone. In a way however, it's terrible because to talk about it is to leave yourself open to all sorts of misguided advice, whether ill-intentioned or well-meaning. More so, modern life is not conducive to stress-free living, regardless of who you are. If you're out there in the waves, fighting to keep your head above water, feeling hopeless and drowning because every gasp fills your lungs even more, I'm there with you. It's scary. But there is hope. 

I'm not a doctor at all, just simply a peer who hopes to share some wisdom. These are some of the things that I've learned about my own anxiety and depression that hopefully, if nothing else, will give you some comfort. If you're struggling with self-harm and suicidal tendencies, though, please seek help. There are so many people who are out there to help you. Although you should feel no guilt or shame, if you don't feel comfortable talking to someone you know, there are many sources you can speak with anonymously. Your life is too precious to not do something.

1. You don't have to be sad. Simple, no? Easier said than done, I'm afraid. There are so many reasons to stay sad. Guilt is a big one. Inspiration, oddly enough, is another one. Crippling sadness can be a wonderful muse. Take a gander at some of history's most respected artists. Most of them struggled with horrendous, crippling depression. You become the sadness and the sadness becomes you. You don't know how you'll function without it. The truth is that there is so much joy waiting for you on the other side of self-recognition. It's a terrifying journey to get there. It involves diving into the deepest, darker parts of yourself and staring your strongest fears, most painful rejections, and repressed memories in the face. You will make it out alive though, and you will be a much better person in the end. The road to contentment begins with being aware that sadness isn't the only option.

2. It's in your mind. You should exercise your mind just like you should exercise your body. I am a huge supporter of Cognitive Therapy. Depression is fueled entirely on negative thoughts. One thought, dwelled on for but a moment too long, can be a slippery slope to a negative pattern of though that can send someone into a downward spiral. We're all extremely volatile. The way that I combat this is to be constantly self-aware. Keeping a journal helps me with this. I try my best to be on top of myself with it daily. It's not easy but once you find a pattern and a rhythm, you'll begin to see a difference. Need help getting started?:

• S.A.S.H.E.T. - Also known as sadness, anger, scare, happiness, excitement, and tenderness. All human emotions can be traced back to these six. It's a good idea to "check in" twice a week or more. I write down two or three of these that I'm feeling the most intensely at the moment and elaborate on why I'm experiencing those particular feelings. It's always good to think about the way you're feeling and to follow it to why you're feeling that way. It helps to weed out any irrational fears or negativity and, like all things, the act of writing it and seeing it written down is healing in itself. More about S.A.S.H.E.T. here.

• Good/Bad - Draw a vertical line right down the center of the page. On the left side, write down your thoughts, regardless how how irrational they may seem. Your fears, your insecurities-- whatever you may be feeling. Write it all down. Look over your list and then, on the right side, write positive outcomes. For example, one of my recent bad thoughts had been "Find a reporting job but never climb the ladder and end up in a small town for the rest of my life." On the positive side, I wrote, "Work as hard as you possibly can. Even if you do not end up where you always wanted to be, you'll be doing what you love." This is a technique that I picked up from this book. I read it in high school and I'm planning on picking it up and starting it again as soon as I'm done typing this.

3. Just because you're generally content doesn't mean that you're not suffering from anxiety or depression. You can still feel generally happy but not be completely okay. Have you been a little distant lately? Having trouble sleeping or waking up? Loss of motivation? Excess of motivation but no will-power to actually do anything about it? Start charting your thoughts and feelings and nip it in the but before it turns into full-blown depression.

4. You are affected by what you're putting in. Are you listening to dark music or surrounding yourself with negative people? Stop. Cold turkey. Cut it all out of your life. Your well-being is at stake. When you're sad, you're vulnerable. When you're searching for contentment and answers, you're going to soak up whatever you're putting into yourself. This doesn't have to be permanent, but for now, some of your friends, your reading material, and your music may have to go. Funny thing is, when you feel strong enough to come back to it someday, you probably won't even want any part of it. 

As always, I'm available to talk to. (erika@larkandlace.com) I love you guys, stay strong. 

xo,

e.m.

cowboy boots for indian summers

You don't see a lot of cowboys on the Northeastern Coast. Actually, I'm pretty sure that the only cowboy that I've ever seen was the Naked Cowboy in New York City. (He's this guy who walks around Manhattan, mostly Times Square wearing nothing but a guitar, tightie whities, a cowboy hat, and boots. It is extremely disturbing.) Despite the lack of cowboys though, there seems to always be an overabundance of cowboy boots filling up the local thrift stores, which leads me to believe that there was, at some time, a large population of cowboys. Okay, my logic is flawed because I know that you don't have to be a cowboy to wear cowboy boots. You don't have to lasso a cow, shoot a revolver or eat chili all the time. You just have to be brave enough to deal with your friends who will make fun of you for wearing them. I know this from personal experience. And.... that is my long-winded synopsis of what it feels like to wear cowboy boots. And that's all I got. Hope you're all having a great week so far! Only a few days until the weekend, right?

xo, e.m.

little black dress and a small black coffee

Everybody needs a little black dress, right? Mine matches my little cup of iced coffee, which I definitely needed today! It was a scorcher.

xo, e.m.

dress & hat / H&M, shoes / 2 Lips Too, bag / Marc Fisher (via Macy's), necklace / Gift from momma, bracelets / Lucky Brand & Old Navy, ring / Lucky Brand, sunnies / Target, coffee / CoffeeWorks in Voorhees, NJ.

cast your bread

I'm doing something a bit different tonight, but after the day that I had, I feel that it is necessary. I had an absolutely, unbelievably stressful day. I've been having a few financial problems and then finally today I hit my breaking point. Between a couple of jobs not working out and having an unexpected car repair, I'm not doing too well when it comes to my finances. I have to accept that it's part of living this life that I've chosen to live, it's either feast or famine. Although I still see the stress as being a small price to pay for the joy that I get for doing what I love, I've been getting close to throwing in the towel. And then I look at my arm and it convicts me deeply. 

I've always been a bit of a control freak, in every sense. It's caused me a lot of undue pain throughout my life. While I was in high school, I went on a missions trip to Los Angeles and Tijuana where I kept stumbling upon a passage in my Bible, Ecclesiastes 11, which speaks of casting one's bread upon the water. I was taken by the imagery and captivated by the meaning. 

Cast your bread upon the waters,

    for you will find it after many days.

Give a portion to seven, or even to eight,

    for you know not what disaster may happen on earth.

If the clouds are full of rain,

    they empty themselves on the earth,

and if a tree falls to the south or to the north,

    in the place where the tree falls, there it will lie.

He who observes the wind will not sow,

    and he who regards the clouds will not reap.

Ecclesiastes 11:1-4

Whatever happens is going to happen. I have absolutely no power to make my own heart beat or to keep the rain-filled clouds from pouring down water. I just need to trust and to have hope and not get too stressed out by things that it's not my place to control anyway. I got "cast upon the water" tattooed right on my arm so I wouldn't forget and yet I STILL try to control things! It was funny, tonight I had to get out so I went over a friend's house. One of the girls there asked me about my tattoo and I almost felt dumb explaining the meaning to her because I wasn't living it myself. When I got home, I thought about it and gave it up. I stopped worrying and I immediately felt at peace. My body wants to worry about, but I simply won't allow it. There really is no use crying over spilt soymilk, am I right? It's easier said than done but it really is wise counsel.

I just wanted to share that with you guys, that control is a daily struggle for me. I wanted my weakness to perhaps inspire you. I just want to be open and honest with you guys, and also, getting things out makes it feel so much better. I hope you'll all hold me accountable from here on out, okay? I love you guys and you really do inspire me to keep going. Thank you all for supporting me and reading my blog posts. It really is so encouraging. I can't begin to say how much it means to me. Hopefully we'll have many more happy years together.

love, e.m.

the "secret" challenge:

A remark that I get often about my photography is that I have a certain way of capturing movement and emotion that a lot of other photographers can't quite grasp. I have to say that this skill is one that I pride myself in, because I worked very hard to refine it. It sounds like it might be tough, but it is really a simple process. Just keep in mind that"simple" here doesn't necessarily mean "easy and quick." Having said that, like any skill, it'll take patience and constructive criticism to refine your art. In the end though, it'll totally be worth it. Tired of my jabbering and ready for "the secret?" Alright. For me, the secret was starting a public 365 day photo self-portrait project. Turns out that you have to spend some time in front of the camera as well as behind the camera-- by doing this, you get to do BOTH. You get to look at the images and see what you liked, what you didn't like, you get to learn how space feels in a photo and what that felt space looks like as a finished project. Although I was never able to finish mine (I got a little more than halfway through! Full-time school, 2 jobs, having a band, and some tough circumstances won.) I did get over halfway through, and it was great having something that was both a visual diary to look back on and remember the emotions in a certain picture as well as a series of reference points to follow my growth from day-to-day. Here's an (in-order) smattering of some of my photos, I started this when I was 18 years old (before I even met CJ or started embracing my reddishness! WOW!). Let these images inspire you to create your OWN 365 day project. It's a lot, so here's the deal: if you're going to start one, leave a comment below telling me where you'll be posting it and when you'll be starting. (I posted mine on Flickr, it was easy to upload every day and also easy to receive constructive criticism from people!) I want to cheer you on during the process! Also, maybe you guys can cheer me on, because I hope to try (and complete) this project very soon!

When I did my 365 project, I didn't even have a Nikon remote or a self-focusing lens-- all it takes is a little creativity and a little ingenuity! Want to start off small? Try challenging yourself for a week, then a month. If you can keep up with that, why not? And again, let me know if you're deciding to go for this challenge!

xo, e.m.