This is What it's Like

If you're looking for some light-hearted banter, you might want to stop reading because I'm about to get painfully honest about my mental state. I haven't shared personal thoughts on here in quite some time. It's not that I haven't wanted to, I just haven't really had too much time to be alone with my thoughts. Well, that's not completely true. I've had plenty of time but I've avoided tapping into the inner workings of my mind quite purposefully. In my life, I've been sad. I've been depressed. I've been despondent. That's absolutely nothing compared to the thick fog I've been fighting my way out of for months. Nothing has compelled me to share because nothing has compelled to feel. I think it's some kind of coping mechanism, or a plan of self-preservation devised by my mentally ill mind. I'm ready to open up though, but admittedly, it's a little on the hopeless side.

I'm no stranger to ups and downs. I mean, I've got the diagnosis to prove it. However, I've never been in such a truthfully dire place before. Everything that I love doing-- my work, my blog-- it's lost its meaning and I've lost my desire. It didn't feel too bad until I realized what was going on. Now it feels inescapable. I desperately want to care. But I don't. And I can't. And to be blunt, it sucks.

Some days are better than others. If I get a glimmer of hope, (or in my case, usually hypomania) I'll do what I love: I'll put on nice clothes, I'll go to the beach, I'll go for a hike, I'll get a cup of coffee. Most of the time though, if I can get out of bed, I've done all I can do. My hair often goes unwashed. My room hasn't been cleaned in... I don't even know. Such a sad sack, I know. I just have to constantly remind myself that it's okay. That I'll be okay. This is how my brain is wired and though it's been this way for a while, I'll be better someday. I just wish I knew when.

I feel guilty. I've been told "you're wasting away the best years of your life." Don't you think I know that? Wouldn't I do something about it if I could? I feel scared, like what if this is "the one" I don't snap out of? I feel like I'm a bad friend, probably because I've been told that before. I wonder how everybody else copes, because they must feel like this sometimes, right? More than anything, I'm worried that the ones I love will blame themselves, that's why I force a smile when it's needed, though there are some genuine laughs peppered in as well. I live for those moments.

I had to get that off my chest. I feel like in the past, I would have offered some good advice or at least some wit. I have nothing of the sort to give you, and for that, I am sorry. I just felt the need to be transparent because I know I can't be the only one who feels like this. If you're going through something similar, my heart is truly breaking for you. This is just the worst. I'm sorry that I have no consolation to offer you other than a true understanding. As always, if you need to talk, I'm here. 

xo,

e.m.