A Moment of Honesty: The Unfriend Button

Winter is slowly melting into Spring and just as the earth is transitioning, so am I. We all are, in a way. I guess we're always growing, always changing-- just sometimes we feel it more than others. I'm feeling it now. I've been using the term "waxing and waning" quite a bit on here lately but I can't think of a more tragically beautiful description of my early-twenties than that. I'm being torn down a little more every day and slowly being built back up. I feel like all around me is soot and cinder, nothing is static, nothing is settled. The reality of the incredibly fragile nature of relationships, circumstances, health, and life itself is becoming more and more evident to me every day. It's all so volatile, day in and day out, vulnerable to even the softest breezes. My tattoo reads, cast upon the water. It has new meaning for me with every passing season of my life. I never would have thought that it would have to do with the folks I hold dearest to me though.

I've been sad this week. More motivated than ever, but plain sad. I've been losing friends at the drop of a hat lately for seemingly no reason at all. Though I can definitely be somewhat of a loner, relationships are very important to me and so would I consider myself a relationship-oriented person. I'm relishing in my alone time more and more but the ones I choose to keep in my life I love dearly. I also love blaming and shaming myself. When a relationship goes sour, I assume that I did something wrong and I try to make it right. I stretch myself too thin to try to please everyone. But I can't. It's tiring, and that's putting it lightly. I was never one to unfriend/block on social media until this week. I kind of splurged actually. It's empowering to prune back the dead branches. That's what this post is all about, after all. I know nothing about gardening but I do know that an overused-albeit-fitting analogy is the one about stripping away the dead leaves so that new things can bloom, otherwise, the entire plant dies.

Until I started chasing after my various dreams, I never realized how many naysayers I surrounded myself with. I never realized how many insecurities exist. I never dreamed that insecurity thrives on others' insecurities. I never realized that this manifests itself through jealously, slandering, and overall hurtfulness. I have my own particularly chilly moments, trust me, but I tend to be more of a confrontational person. I like to air my grievances freely as I see that as the only way to resolve any conflict. It seems though that more and more now, battles are not fought like this. We gossip. We "throw shade." We tear each other down with malice in our hearts. If you're someone who wants to create your own success, you may know the feeling of the ones you love completely turning their backs to you. They seem to think that by standing in the way of your happiness, they can create their own. I do not want to paint with a broad brush but more often than not, non-visionaries will be quick on the attack. To use another succinct cliché, "misery loves company." The Germans have a word for this: schadenfreude, pleasure derived from another's misfortune. I've been miserable too long and now, I'm cleaning house. I would certainly advise you to do the same. 

As hurt as I've been to let some of my friends go, my mind is now so much clearer. I am not privy to their infectious need to harm. While I do miss their company, I feel that a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders not having to worry about constantly being on the defensive. I no longer have to hear saccharine remarks and not have the fallout: the over analyzation of which, that would often keep me awake at night. I no longer have to deal with the anxiety of forced smalltalk. I can enjoy my milestone moments without feeling guilty. It's one of the hardest things to do but your quality of life will absolutely improve after cutting whatever and whoever is holding you back. After all, if things don't work out, the only one you have to blame is yourself. If someone is not building you up, why would you keep them around? Life is not about pandering or merely surviving. It's about thriving. It's about finding your purpose and having no regrets. You can find new friends, ones who will build you up. I've honestly not been the most pleasant person to be around because I've been surrounded by schadenfreude. It won't happen overnight but I know that once I'm done mourning, I'll be a more whole, more pleasant person.

Take a look at your life. Look at who is building you up and who is tearing you down. Your friends who are encouraging you? Give them a big hug, send them a bouquet of flowers, send them a sweet message and thank them for being in your life. Those who aren't, put the kibosh on their diabolical plans. You don't need them. They don't need you. Go on and do great things and enjoy your happy moments with others who actually care about your well-being.

xo,

e.m.