“But the years came and went without bringing the careless boy; and when they met again Wendy was a married woman, and Peter was no more to her than a little dust in the box in which she had kept her toys.” - J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan
Loving someone is insanity. It's an actual choice-- conscious decision that we make. This decision has the potential to blossom into something beautiful or it could crash and burn in a tragic, all-engulfing flame. Your heart has a very large chance of being broken into a million piercing shards and it will be irreparable. It could be wonderful though. To quote Peter McWilliams, "It is a risk to love. What if it doesn't work out? Ah, but what if it does." As with most of these moments of honesty, this blog post has not been easy for me to write. Unrequited love is
a recurring motif that adorns some of the saddest moments in my life. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm a very direct, often confrontational person. I like to be open and honest with the men who spark my interest because I don't like wasting my time romanticizing and fantasizing. In a roundabout way, I think that this has saved me from a lot of heartbreak due to miscommunication but it doesn't make the rejection any easier. Lovelorn is a word that certainly applies to my personality more and more so as I've been jaded over time. I'm writing this because, well, I know that I can't be the only one.
So I fell in love. Such a silly thing to do, am I right? It takes no time at all. It's an amazing feeling though, even if it's only for a moment. Given the nature of this post, you can imagine how it worked out. You would think that I would be used to it at this point but this time was different. It was the most intense thing I have ever known. I have no words for it and I'm still dumbfounded and starry-eyed thinking about him. I had a "is he the one?" moment and I even told my mom about him. (I know, I know. Breaks every rule in the book but I just had to tell someone.) I was willing to do anything, ANYTHING for just another moment. To get to know him. To get to be known by him. For a little while, I really began to think that it's not so bad to be human. Then reality set in. Have you ever felt it? It's crippling, and then you're numb, and then, if you really want, you'll find your own means of experiencing some kind of catharsis. It's a cycle of growth, destruction, and rebirth. How much of it can we take though? This one was my critical hit. He walked into my life and I know that I will never be the same. It's tragic but you have to realize that life goes on.
One of the greatest things that you can do for yourself is to condition your mind to accept the fact that every beautiful thing has one tragic flaw. It does not mean that you should wrap your heart in a burial shroud and throw it in the ground. You'll learn who is worth your heart and potential heartbreak. You'll know that with every love lost, you learn more about what to look for in the next one. You'll have more love to give away and although it's hard to imagine, it will be returned to you as well. Do not let your heart grow cold and calloused, as hard as it may be. Let sadness be a muse to create wonderful things but do not dwell on it for a moment too long or else it will become you. Journal. Talk about it. Celebrate the rapturous joy of being in love and look forward to the next time you'll feel it.
I think I've shared this quote at least half a dozen times over the course of my blogging career but it means more to me than anything else:
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” - C.S. Lewis
There is incredible courage to be found in vulnerability. It's where strength meets grace and it is the highest level of mutual trust. It's resplendent but also utterly terrifying. Building up walls is so much easier than allowing yourself to be hurt but in the end, it is better to feel anything than to be numb. Do not be afraid to give your heart away. If you don't try, you'll never know. Love is insanity. Wonderful, terrible insanity. Embrace it. Relish in it. Don't be afraid because you're much, much stronger than you think.
xo,
e.m.
