November is probably my favorite month of the year. The weather is a dream, the excitement of the holiday season starts building, and the leaves are crunchy and perfect. Despite this, Novembers have historically been a sad experience for me time after time. Could be the changing of the light, could be the constant stream of busy days with little or no rest, or it could be a tiny touch of seasonal affective disorder. I love it, but I also find myself melancholy fairly often. This November is certainly no exception. It's bittersweet because my life is starting to get pretty exciting as far as my career goes but in other ways, it's a mess. I feel as if you all have figured it out by now but I feel that I owe it to you all to let you know that I've been through a breakup recently. I've done a good job of being okay with it until nights like last night when I start listening to music and I realize that I haven't dealt with it but instead have just overwhelmed myself by keeping an extremely busy schedule so that I don't have to think about anything. Breakups are rough. Incredibly difficult. They take time to get over. There's beauty in the brutality though because in these moments, experience becomes a teacher of lessons one would neither listen to nor accept otherwise. I've learned a lot about myself in these past few months. Good and bad. I've backslid and I've grown. Some days are easy and some are difficult. I don't know what the future holds for me but I know how crucial this time is to soak up this knowledge about myself. It's funny how much you DON'T know yourself until something like this happens.
I didn't want to talk about this on here but I've since realized that doing so is incredibly selfish. I've made it a point to be transparent with you all and I haven't been doing a great job of it. I always said that I would share my struggles regardless of how difficult they may be to talk about. This, however, I did not want to talk about. It was too raw, too real. Through layers of reluctance, self-pity, and divine revelation though, I now know that the most important reason to share these hardships is so comfort anyone who may be going through it as well. We've probably all been through it and if not, we very well may go through it at some point. It's a part of life unfortunately. I want to tell anyone who may be going through it right now, you are not alone, and it does get better.
My encouragement to anyone with lost love right now, in the past, or for the future is to stay sweet. By that, I mean do not lose your precious vulnerability. Be willing to love again. To fall in love-- REALLY in love-- you need to put it all on the line. Love is a risk. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. If it does though... oh boy. Great things. How will you know if you don't try? Sometimes it doesn't work out and that hurts. But life continues. Not to be cliche, but think about it: it really is better to have loved and to have lost than to never have loved at all. It's okay to be really sad. You're human. Cry, please! You won't be sad forever so let it all out now. You'll feel better after a good cry. Also, take this with a grain of salt (mostly because it's coming from me and I never need an excuse to go shopping) but there is absolutely no shame in a little (responsible!) retail therapy. Go buy yourself a cup something nice. Even just a cup of fancy coffee. Spoil yourself a little bit.
It's difficult. It's REALLY hard. Some days I don't want to get out of bed. However, like all other things, this will someday fade away as well. I'm glad that I have you guys to keep my grounded. You're kinda all the bomb dot com. If any of you are going through this as well and need some advice, someone to vent to, anything, feel free to email me. All of my contact information is under the "Contact" link on the sidebar to the left of this post. Going through it with someone else is always encouraging. Now, before I get started with my busy day, I will leave you with this C.S. Lewis quote:
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
xo,
e.m.
