cast your bread

I'm doing something a bit different tonight, but after the day that I had, I feel that it is necessary. I had an absolutely, unbelievably stressful day. I've been having a few financial problems and then finally today I hit my breaking point. Between a couple of jobs not working out and having an unexpected car repair, I'm not doing too well when it comes to my finances. I have to accept that it's part of living this life that I've chosen to live, it's either feast or famine. Although I still see the stress as being a small price to pay for the joy that I get for doing what I love, I've been getting close to throwing in the towel. And then I look at my arm and it convicts me deeply. 

I've always been a bit of a control freak, in every sense. It's caused me a lot of undue pain throughout my life. While I was in high school, I went on a missions trip to Los Angeles and Tijuana where I kept stumbling upon a passage in my Bible, Ecclesiastes 11, which speaks of casting one's bread upon the water. I was taken by the imagery and captivated by the meaning. 

Cast your bread upon the waters,

    for you will find it after many days.

Give a portion to seven, or even to eight,

    for you know not what disaster may happen on earth.

If the clouds are full of rain,

    they empty themselves on the earth,

and if a tree falls to the south or to the north,

    in the place where the tree falls, there it will lie.

He who observes the wind will not sow,

    and he who regards the clouds will not reap.

Ecclesiastes 11:1-4

Whatever happens is going to happen. I have absolutely no power to make my own heart beat or to keep the rain-filled clouds from pouring down water. I just need to trust and to have hope and not get too stressed out by things that it's not my place to control anyway. I got "cast upon the water" tattooed right on my arm so I wouldn't forget and yet I STILL try to control things! It was funny, tonight I had to get out so I went over a friend's house. One of the girls there asked me about my tattoo and I almost felt dumb explaining the meaning to her because I wasn't living it myself. When I got home, I thought about it and gave it up. I stopped worrying and I immediately felt at peace. My body wants to worry about, but I simply won't allow it. There really is no use crying over spilt soymilk, am I right? It's easier said than done but it really is wise counsel.

I just wanted to share that with you guys, that control is a daily struggle for me. I wanted my weakness to perhaps inspire you. I just want to be open and honest with you guys, and also, getting things out makes it feel so much better. I hope you'll all hold me accountable from here on out, okay? I love you guys and you really do inspire me to keep going. Thank you all for supporting me and reading my blog posts. It really is so encouraging. I can't begin to say how much it means to me. Hopefully we'll have many more happy years together.

love, e.m.